Kate Middleton’s waist is the size of my cankle

True story: I threw up while still clad in my beautiful wedding gown and veil.

I wish I could say this is not something I’m proud of but, over the years, the Captain Morgan’s-soaked tale of how I wound up in the back of a taxi on my most special of nights, hurling out the back door while screaming, “I’m Courtney Love!”, the cabbie furiously shoving Dunkin’ Donuts napkins in my hands, has grown to legendary proportions and is now a source of great personal pride.

Another fact I’m proud of: Unlike the other masses of brideorexics, I was not puking in an effort to look skinny in said strapless gown. In fact, I remember being enormously pleased with myself when, one I found THE dress, I chose a size 8 even though the size 6 fit nearly perfectly. The smaller size was a wee bit tight, but I easily could’ve let my punishing, formerly-eating-disordered competitiveness take over and said, “I’M GETTING THE SIZE SIX. I can just lose a few pounds.” Instead, I bought the size eight, relieved that I’d have some wiggle room once the inevitable stress-related whoopee pie frenzy began during the Big Day Countdown. And that, you know, I’d be able to actually inhale as I recited my vows.

That said, practically every bride I’ve ever known has been obsessed with losing weight/toning up her arms/squeezing into a smaller size gown. Some joined Weight Watchers or Atkins, others practically lived at the gym. I recall one actually counting out her Cheerios.

Now, my husband and I have been married for nearly seven years so, like all women, I have totally let myself go because, I mean, he already bought the cow, knowhatImsayin’? (Note: Sarcasm). But I still *get* the whole brideorexia thing. As does princess-to-be Kate Middleton, if you believe the media hype.  The 5’10” willowy stunner is reported to have shed 20 pounds. Indeed, her waist does appear to resemble my right cankle. But if Middleton is actively trying to lose weight, she’s hardly alone: A 2008 Cornell study found that more than 70% of brides-to-be want to lose more than 20 pounds before they sashay down the aisle. More than one-third of those women admitted to using extreme measures such as diet pills, fasting or skipping meals to reach their goal.

My Q for Kate:  Why bother with bride-to-be bulimia when you can simply flank yourself with porky friends? According to a recent British survey conducted by Slim Fast, one third of women said they would prefer overweight bridesmaids to make themselves appear slimmer.

About a year ago, Chicago’s James Hotel invited myself and a friend/former bridesmaid to experience their cardio-free Bridal Bootcamp. Our trainer, to our great dismay, was extraordinarily good-looking, and all I could think was, “Oh, sweet. Pecs McGee is going to make me do burpees and I’ll look like some sort of dying seal flopping around on the beach, gasping for air.” Indeed, we squatted, lunged, burped, jumped, dipped, and pushed up to the point of near exhaustion. Sadly, the last thing I said to the Brad Pitt lookalike was, “I’ll call you tomorrow and tell you if my butt is sore,” a comment which, in hindsight, may have made it seem as if we had a far more intimate relationship than we actually did.

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12 Responses to Kate Middleton’s waist is the size of my cankle

  1. I am so glad you are back to blogging :)

    And I wish I had been at your wedding! It sounds puketastic!

  2. I gotta admit, I feel for her. What a load of stress. I could work myself manic just thinking about all the potential anxiety.

    She really should listen to you. Spanx can make her bridesmaids feel confident, while she basks in the splendor of a waist/cankle. Splendid.

  3. Leslie says:

    Ha! Yes, jen, twas indeed “puketastic.” The night ended with me in the shower, pulling 4,500 bobby pins out of my updo and shouting to my husband, “Please don’t go to sleep with out me! Baawwwww! The run is spinning!”

  4. Leslie says:

    @Journey: It’s royalrexia! i just coined it – you heard it here first…

  5. charlotte says:

    Wait, wait, so you had the whole drunkorexia, bridorexia, taxicaborexia (minus the exia) thing going on and you did not coin a new term for it?? My head spins. Best wedding story ever.

    As for Kate, I know if I were catapulted into the public eye like she has been I’d be dropping pounds too – not because I wanted to but because of the STRESS. Poor girl.

  6. Jamie Len says:

    LOVE IT, LG! Only YOU would think of a headline this clever. HILARIOUS. You have such a GIFT of bringing awareness to serious issues many women face, and doing it with a wit and fun loving nature that is indescribable! THANK YOU for doing what u do.

    And your wedding day story is priceless. I hope your hubs got pictures of Courtney Love that night!

  7. Leslie says:

    JL – trust me, no pictures taken after 11pm that evening would be fit for human consumption.

  8. Alyssa says:

    I agree with Charlotte; the stress that poor woman is under is UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!
    I hate how weddings have turned into competitions, even if that competition is only with ourselves. I LOVE that you stuck with the size 8 rather than the size 6! Call me crazy, but I think a couple getting married should be allowed to have fun at their wedding. (Sounds like you did just that, lol!!!!!)

  9. bdaiss says:

    I can’t imagine what I’d do if I knew thousands of people would be getting up at 4am to watch my wedding (or at least setting their tivo *raises hand*). I pity the poor girl…and envy her. : )

    Also – SO GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK!

  10. Liz GT says:

    Leslie, I love your banner — it’s perfect! I suspect Charlotte is right about poor Kate and the stress. At least it’s only a few more days (well, until the wedding is over; then there’s living in the public eye to contend with). At least she seems stronger and somewhat less naive than the last couple of women who were victimized by marrying into the royal family.

  11. Leslie says:

    Liz- Thanks for the compliment! I love the screaming woman, too!! But I think I might try to shrink her down just a bit so you can see copy when you come to the site…

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