I am a walking disaster zone

My tank top is disgusting.

Seriously, we may need to call a HAZMAT team in to peel this thing off of me and cart it off to an incinerator. As we speak, my upper body is cloaked in a piece of clothing waterlogged with no less than three bodily fluids, as well as a splatter-painting of raw chicken juice.  God forbid someone shines a blacklight on me, or I’ll glow like a Motel 6 bedspread.

This morning, Eve peed out the side of her diaper while nursing (as she tends to do on days that end in “-day”), causing a hot ink blot of urine to spread across my torso. I meant to change my top – really, I did. But between Tummy Time, nap time, and a 10-minute mommy-daughter dance sting to Culture Club, Lauryn Hill and Britney Spears, I just sort of forgot to change out of my pee-soaked nursing tank.

Then the sun came out and I saw my chance to throw the babe into the stroller and dash over to CostCo. On my way out the door, I noticed a few breast milk stains dotting my top. Here’s a transcript of my inner dialogue:

Me: “Do I really want to go out in public with breast milk splotches on my top?”

Me: “The old Leslie would never do such a thing. The old Leslie liked looking good and wearing cute clothes and showering on a daily basis.”

Me: “Nobody at CostCo cares if your tank top looks like it’s lactating. They’re too busy lining up for samples of all-beef franks and gummi vitamins.”

Me: “You have approximately 74 minutes before Eve wakes up and you need to eat something besides Nestle cookie dough and all the M&Ms and salty raisins from the bag of trail mix. Go to CostCo.”

And so I went. I’m actually sort of stunned that Stacy London and Clinton Kelly didn’t ambush me in the dairy section. If my milk stains were used as a Rorschach test, study participants would surely call out words like “resignation,” “fatigue” and “defeat.”

I bought $40 worth of organic chicken breasts at CostCo, intending to freeze most of them so we’d have dinner at the ready over the next few weeks. Back home, as I was transferring them into individual plastic bags for marinating and freezing, a shot of chicken juice streaked across my stomach. That was the last straw: My baby can nestle against a little pee, but I draw the line at her possibly contracting salmonella poisoning from my torso.

As I changed tops, I thought about how fantastically un-sexy I have become over the last month-and-a-half. Half the time, I’m walking around with My Brest Friend orbiting my waist and a boob hanging out. The closest I’ve come to a manicure is rubbing A & D diaper rash cream into my cuticles. I drew up a list – check me out:

Top 5 Sexiest Things I’ve Done as a New Mom

  1. Used my mouth to suck snot out of my baby’s nose with a device called the NoseFrida Snot Sucker.
  2. Worn – and rewashed and reworn  – the disposable mesh underwear from the hospital. Please note, these things are big enough to be used as a shopping bag at my local farmer’s market.
  3. Woken up with such a spastic start at the sound of Eve crying that I smacked myself in the face, gouging out a divot of skin from my nose. It subsequently scabbed over, leaving me looking like an acne-riddled teenage boy.
  4. Eaten food with my hands moments after a diaper change, without remembering to stop and use some soap or instant sanitizer.
  5. Called Dan into the bathroom to show him how fabulous my new size D ta tas look…only to have him point at them and say, “Um…you might want to take care of that” as milk shot out like one of those Sizzlin’ Cool Octopus Backyard Water Sprinklers from our childhood.

How about you? What was your sexiest new mom moment?

 

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13 Responses to I am a walking disaster zone

  1. Jill says:

    Oh my gosh I loved the big mesh underwear!! Is there anything comfier? I think not.

    Oh the joys of motherhood – I lost my sexy about 15 years ago and still haven’t gotten it back. I’m working on it though… come hell or high water, I will be sexy again. I may be the sexiest senior at the nursing home, but dammit I will get there!! ;)
    Jill recently posted..Heed it!

  2. julie smolyansky says:

    haha! I love the mesh too! Nothing like a $2000 shopping spree to La Perla for black lace to get your sexy back!

  3. bdaiss says:

    Oh my dear sweet Leslie. Been there done that. Except the mesh underwear thing. I hated those. And I always hated when I’d finally get showered and start to get dressed when what the…what is this dripping all over the clean clothes I’m about to put on?!? Gah! The leakage seemed much worse with the Girl than it ever had with the Boy.

    Also – talk to me when you’ve mastered walking around Target while nursing. *hangs head in shame* I admit, I did it. I couldn’t take the screaming any longer (nor could my shirt take the drenching), the dressing rooms were full (really? how is that possible?), and I was NOT nursing in a public bathroom (even I have my germ limits). No one even noticed. In fact, one gal sharing an aisle with me noted “isn’t it great how they can just pass out like that?” Uh-huh, sure.
    bdaiss recently posted..Swing and a Miss

  4. Britt, you must have some sort of super human arm strength to cart a baby around at breast level…while shopping, no less. I’ve been trying to make my way to Target for the past two weeks -I desperately need a nursing bra (all I have are tanks). Now that I know I can simultaneously nurse AND shop, I may be able to get there more quickly :-)
    Leslie Goldman recently posted..I am a walking disaster zone

  5. Becca says:

    Disasters usually happen if you have baby..it’s a great experience LOL!
    have a great day ahead!
    Becca recently posted..Skip Bins Wyongah

  6. Alyssa says:

    My fondest memory of post-natal bliss is going to the OB-GYN for my 6-week checkup, covered in various fluids and looking like a refugee from “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome” only grungier. I apologized to the nurse as I leaked during her examination, and she said “Please, you’ve basically had your body ripped in half. It happens.”
    Until that moment I hadn’t thought of it in quite that way. And I’m sure you didn’t, either.
    Until right now.
    You’re welcome! :)

  7. Emily Woodhouse says:

    Eating food without using soap right after changing diapers. OMG! Isn’t it too sexy? Lolz. Your post amused me Leslie
    Emily Woodhouse recently posted..How to Treat Yeast Infection Natually

  8. cmichaelsny says:

    The reality usually is that you can’t afford to. However, you don’t have to feel guilty about recognizing the opportunity..
    cmichaelsny recently posted..Symptoms of GAD and How To Treat It

  9. Vanessa says:

    Hi,

    The idea of dieting makes me eat more; so I did some research on the easy way of dieting; foods that burn fat! Much easier than dieting. The more you eat the more you lose! The site also gives advice on weight loss supplements. Really easy way to lose weight. (-:

  10. Vanessa says:

    Hi,

    The idea of dieting makes me eat more; so I did some research on the easy way of dieting; foods that burn fat! Much easier than dieting. The more you eat the more you lose! The site also gives advice on weight loss supplements. Really easy way to lose weight. (-:
    https://sites.google.com/site/weightlosswithoutdieting/weight-loss-supplements

  11. You are a very clever individual!

  12. Wileen Proch says:

    There are many changes to experience when you change your life and you will become a mom. I remembered when the first time I was a mom, I really experienced hard time doing all the responsibilities and making sure that my daughter is well and good always. In fact, I forgot to take a break and take a deep breath.
    Wileen Proch recently posted..Have A Bright White Smile With This Easy Advice

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