Proving my theory that American Apparel is the devil incarnate, the Daily Mail, bastion of all things anorexic and spray-tanned, is now proposing that your comfy cotton leggings are turning you into a fat, slothful pile of cellulite.
In the article, physiotherapist Sammy Margo claims leggings “hold in and support the quadriceps (thigh muscles), buttocks and core muscles in your tummy, and do the job the muscles are supposed to do. As a result, the muscles are allowed to relax and switch off, so when we reveal our bodies for the first time as summer approaches, they are not as svelte or firm as they otherwise would be.”
If this is true, then I’m going to be in serious trouble when I peel off the full-body Spanx I’ve been donning all winter in lieu of long underwear.
Besides acting as the sartorial equivalent of a 6-pack of Twinkies, “Leggings hide the bits of our bodies we don’t like, such as the cellulite on our legs or our “muffin top,” so we are able to ignore the problem and we are less motivated to exercise these parts.”
Margo’s right about leggings obscuring cellulite – unlike a lavender silk one-shouldered Jessica Simpson dress I tried on at Macy’s this weekend that made it look I was smuggling Mr. Breakstone himself underneath. But are they any more likely to drive us to distraction than jeans or sweats?
This isn’t the first time a health expert has warned of impending physical doom and destruction via pants. Remember the “skinny jeans and nerve damage” debacle of 2009? Doctors said the super-tight pants could spark a nerve condition called meralgia paresthetica, aka “tingling thigh syndrome,” by cutting off the lateral femoral cutanaeous nerve. OK, first thing: Would Meralgia Paresthetica not be the coolest name for a brand of high-end jeans? I would totally fork over $195 for a pair of their 36”-inseam boot-cuts Femoral Arteries. Second thing: If skinny is your thing, why not work the look to your advantage and go a size smaller? With numb legs, you’ll have one helluva time making your way to the fridge for meals. Suddenly skinny!
Another tight denim danger: Yeast infections. If your crotch is being forcefully cradled by a constricting strip of fabric, it can breathe about as easily as an asthmatic during a pollen advisory.
With the warmer months approaching, you can try saving yourself with a pair of shorts, but then you’ll have to worry about saggy knees, tushy ride-up and cankles, plus it’s impossible to sit down without your thighs spreading like Nutella on toast, no matter how thin or fit you may be.
What say you, habitual leggings-wearers? Are you now sufficiently freaked out about the damage you’ve done by relentlessly abusing the fabric of our lives all winter long?
PS Check out my Diets in Review story on Body Stank! Yummy.