If you can make Kathie Lee Gifford blush, you know you’ve got talent. As it turns out, all you have to do is make a joke on national television about waxing your bikini line into the shape of the NBC peacock. I know this because I did it. (Cracked the joke, that is; my own lady business landscaping veers more towards the Nickelodeon logo.)
A few years back, a story of mine ran in Health magazine called “’Down there’ health myths…debunked.” It began, as most Pulitzer-winning pieces do, with: “Va-jay-jay, bajingo, cha-cha, down there. Given our reluctance to even say the word ‘vagina,’ it’s no wonder that myths about this body part often go unchecked.” I then proceeded to debunk falsehoods such as “Your vagina should smell like orchids,” and “If my vagina doesn’t look like a Playboy model’s, I need surgery.”
The story hadn’t crossed my mind
since I recently attended an emotionally confusing funeral where the casket was covered with orchids until the recent Republican brouhaha (crotch synonym?!) over Rep. Lisa Brown’s use of the word “vagina” while debating an anti-abortion bill. Bloggers flocked online with their own snarky takes on the many creative ways in which we could be addressing our little lady flowers. (“Baby chute” and “Inferiority Complex” among the more creative.) It brought me back to my April 6, 2009 Today Show appearance* in which I discussed my “’Down There’ Health Myths” story with Kathie Lee and Hoda. Because most of America prefers to wait until after their morning oatmeal before having the word “vagina” lobbed at them multiple times, I challenged myself to drum up as many vagonyms as possible. Among my most successful quips:
“A whole industry exists to make women feel bad if we don’t smell like chocolate chip cookies are coming out of ‘down there.’”**
I also referred to women’s “nether regions,” which makes it sounds like our reproductive tract is located somewhere near Antarctica, and suggested that viewers “let her air out” when sleeping, as opposed to stifling “her” in a sweaty rayon thong.
In addition to the fact that the Phi Delta Upsilon fraternity started a new drinking game based on the number of times Kathie Lee, Hoda or I labeled the vagina “Down there” (Busch beer works especially well, guys), my appearance will forever live on with the following line, proclaimed in reference to the “Women need to be totally shaved ‘down there’” health myth:
“Everyone has their preferred bikini line: It could be a landing strip, it could be totally bare, it could be the NBC logo.”
Ding, dong, ding!
Oh, and I DID manage to squeak out a single “vagina,” when discussing bubble baths and their tendency to alter the pH balance of our Dixie Carters. Your move, Republicans!
*OMG can you believe my hair? The hair on my head, I mean.
**This blog brought to you by Nestle, makers of delicious chocolate chip cookies everywhere.