On May 7, in honor of my 35th birthday, 30 of my closest friends gathered at a bar in Chicago to roast the living crap out of me. Per my request. I’ve been begging for a roast for years, but my husband, well-aware of my eggshell ego, never thought I could handle it. Apparently, now that I am closer to 50 than to my college years, he figured my additional maturity had padded my self-esteem enough to withstand the loving blows. He was right. A few of my favorite highlights:
Dan (husband): “I remember the first time Leslie and I met, eating dinner in our freshman dorm. Burgers for me; a Cheerio for her.”
Trish (dear friend): “During Leslie’s party years, you’ve never seen someone so committed to exposing as much skin as humanly possible. She would sex, tape, staple or glue her outfits if it meant revealing just an inch more. She was like the MacGuyver of dressing like a slut.”
Julie (dear friend): “Oh, wait – my iPhone is buzzing. Leslie’s tweeting something. She’s discovered club soda. Breaking news. Thanks, Leslie.”
Dan: “This is a girl who can’t find Illinois on a map, who thinks that 6 X 4 = CAT, and who voted for a Real Housewife in the last presidential election. But take her into a grocery store and she will tell you the exact fat and calorie content of every item on the shelves. She’s like the freaking Rain Man for the eating disordered: ‘90 calories. Yeah, definitely 90 calories.’”
Ruby (dear friend): “ Among the text messages I receive on a daily basis from Leslie: ‘Hey, did you know cows get their periods?’ and ‘Is New York anywhere near New Jersey?’”
At the risk of sounding like a sadist, it was one of the most entertaining nights of my life.
As Dan emceed the roast, he took a handful of solid shots at each of my friends. To get started, he talked about the ties that bind my BFFS and I. “I asked myself, what common denominator unites Leslie and her friends? The obvious answer: Antidepressants.”
He was being snarky, but the man is right. I’d need both hands and maybe a foot to tally up the number of women in my life who rely on Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil and more to feel productive, happy and healthy. As for myself, Lexapro has, in my honest opinion, saved my life. This drug rescued me from a period of unlivable anxiety, quieting a horrific din and allowing me to focus on the countless positive things in my life, rather than obsessing over rather improbable events that I feared would take over.
I first tried SSRIs in college, after much trepidation. Diagnosed with anorexia, a therapist suggested Zoloft. I refused, fearful of the stigma. (Little did I know that, a decade down the road, therapy and antidepressants would be all the rage.) But after more than a year of struggling, I relented. The drug changed my life: It didn’t automatically make me happy, or plaster a permagrin on my face, or cure my body image woes. What it DID do was put me on an even playing field with reality, changing the funhouse mirror on my closet door into a regular mirror, in which I could see what I truly looked like.
Over the past 15 years, I’ve been off and on the medication; every time I’ve restarted it, it’s been for an essential reason, and has paid off with immeasurable mental health rewards. I was reminded of this gift when I read supermodel Paulina Porizkova’s essay on her experience with Lexapro on the Huffington Post. Porizkova began taking Lexapro to deal with crippling anxiety attacks and depression. As a woman who refused pain medication for both of her deliveries, the decision did not come lightly, but the result was nothing short of miraculous:
“My world had quieted. The constant buzz of anxiety became noticeable only by its absence. It was like spending your entire life in a room buzzing with fluorescents, and then, one day, they stop.”
Soon, she realized many of her own friends and colleagues were quietly benefitting from the same kind of drug.
I was initially thrilled to read her essay – we need more powerful women speaking out about their struggles and sharing their salves. Unfortunately, Porizkova’s piece took a sharp turn as she discussed feeling creatively and sexually muffled on Lexapro:
“I found I had no need to actually say anything…I no longer bothered to fight with my girlfriends, or husband; I could just shrug and walk away from situations that previously had me in endless knots analyzing and discussing…I felt emotionally Botoxed.”
Though she describes her years off of Lexapro as filled with “a fair deal of misery,” she wonders whether antidepressants might be the emotional equivalent of plastic surgery: “With them, we can stave off the anguish of change; we can take breaks from the afflictions of living. But is…the price going through life anesthetized and smooth with all the self-awareness of a slug?”
To anyone struggling with anxiety or depression, please hear me: Just because Porizkova felt this way does not mean you will, too. I have never once felt numbed, anesthesized, or creatively stifled while on an antidepressants. Rather, I feel, free, able to be myself. After a year of living like I was about to die, I found myself singing along to Pink in the car and laughing at funny characters on TV. Instead of spending hours on end obsessing over whether I was sick with some dreaded disease, I began pitching stories and taking long walks and getting together with friends. I got my life back. Yes, I’ve dealt with side effects; specifically, sheet-drenching night sweats and incredibly vivid dreams. But for me, the pros outweigh the cons.
I consider Lexapro the same as the Synthroid I’ve taken since fifth grade for hypothyroidism – a medication that replaces a deficient hormone or neurotransmitter. I feel no stigma. When I speak at colleges, I have zero problem standing before 1000 students and praising antidepressants. Bravo to Porizkova for being brave and honest about her experience; I just hope she didn’t scare off countless suffering individuals who, with medication, could see a rainbow emerge from behind the clouds.
I think that I qualify for this statement of Porizkova about medication and mental illness. It makes for me
Also, I detected a fair bit of denial in her piece. She still seems ashamed as well as not knowing herself. I feel it is better for my kids to actually see me working through my anger and frustrations. Because how else are they going to know how to deal with things as adults?
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Never had occasion to take them myself, but I have friends whose lives have been saved by them. There should be no stigma with SSRIs or therapy. And I will readily ridicule anyone who tries to make it so.
My only caveat? Parents who choose to deal with their children’s behavioral problems by jumping first to drugs. (And I’m not talking extreme situations where good heavens, get the kid under control NOW before he hurts himself or someone else, and then figure out the issue.) But please, can we attempt behavior modification and discipline and therapy and a few other things before jumping straight to drugs with your kid who can’t sit still? I have a few associates who struggled with their kids for a month or two and just went straight to “get the drugs!” It makes me sad.
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After trying numerous antidepressants with varying degree of side effects, Lexapro seemed to work for me although I have to say the turn around was sooo gradual as to almost not be noticeable. (I always wondered if it was the medication or time and self-work that brought me through it.) I also had good success on Celexa but a setback started me on Lexapro. For me it was anxiety and depression that hit me like a ton of bricks in my early 30s. Looking back I have to admit anxiety had been a part of my life since childhood but didn’t hit “disorder” classification until my thirties. I have to admit, diminished sexual response was a side-effect with just about all the antidepressants I tried except Wellbutrin. I weaned myself off Lexapro a couple of years ago (I’m not 48), but have stayed on Wellbutrin. It’s a trade-off. My sexual response returned immediately, but I have to wonder if my “darker” days aren’t a result of the SSRIs no longer being in my system. Oh how I wish there were NO side effects. I also had the night sweats and vivid dreams but those were more of a nuisance than a problem for me. Still, I’m glad to know there’s something out there that can help if I find myself slipping back into those heart-racing, mind-racing, gloom filled days, weeks, months. It’s a fine line I walk and the thought of menopause approaching scares me more than I care to admit. Thanks for being so open and honest about your own struggles. Women need good, strong role models that tell them it’s okay to struggle but it’s not okay to suffer in silence and do nothing.
Oh yes, I’m quite fond of the Lexapro. I’m on a pretty low dose and for me it’s the difference between crying when my drink in Starbucks is taking too long and like you said, singing to Pink and feeling like myself. I agree that it’s like any other medication – if you have diabetes or a heart murmur you take medicine to control that, so mental health shouldn’t be any difference.
Lulu – I had similar issues while on Zoloft in college. But Lexapro hasn’t caused any issues at all. In fact, we call it “Sexy Lexy” in our household
Alyssa – totally agree. i’m not in support of just dumping drugs into anyone, adult or child. I just want people to know the option exists, and it can be a huge, wonderful change.
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I started on Zoloft 18 months after my son was born. I’d struggled with anxiety and depression for years, and then spent a year and a half with undiagnosed post-partum depression.
I sometimes think of antidepressants and therapy as similar to pain meds and physical therapy: the pain meds won’t get your leg (or hip or shoulder) back into shape, but they’ll take away the pain and help you do the work that needs to be be done. There’s no shame in THAT, so why do we still have a stigma when it comes to emotional pain? Why do we STILL see it as a character defect?
P.S., “The Macguyver of dressing like a slut”: HILARIOUS!!!!!!
Oh, and happy birthday!
Thank you for sharing your story! I was on Zoloft several years ago and it truly helped me come out of the darkest time of my life. I did have a hard time with the side effects though and with the shame so I weaned off them and have not been taking them for a couple of years. I feel those same feelings creeping back in and am finding myself unable to cope again. I have considered going back on them but am fearful of the stigma as you mention and of the side effects. Perhaps another drug could be the answer. Hearing others talk about it takes some of the fear/anxiety away and allows me to really analyze if its maybe something that could help me once more…
So many things I love about this post!!! First, the roast sounds freaking awesome – you have a great husband and amazing friends! Second, I love how open you are about your happy pills. Like you I’ve been on pretty much all of them and they are a necessity for me now. I will say I can see where Porzikova is coming from though. Some ADs – celexa (the older version of lexapro) and prozac both made me feel the way she describes. Plus I couldn’t “O” on those either – MISERY. But I’m on Wellbutrin now and it has none of those side effects for me. So I guess my advice (not that you asked for it, lol) is for people who are struggling know that you might have to try a few different meds before you find the one that helps you the best!
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Leslie, kudos for saying it straight. I was bothered to read the Porizkova article, too. You have a much more ‘listened-to’ voice than most, so thanks for saying it:
“I consider Lexapro the same as the Synthroid I’ve taken since fifth grade for hypothyroidism – a medication that replaces a deficient hormone or neurotransmitter.”
This is EXACTLY how I describe it to my patients! Go you!
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Thank you so much for your post. I just started Lexapro 5 days ago. Never had any medication before. I’ve been suffering from panic attacks since my father passed away, almost 3 months ago. My life vanished, I would wake up every single day thinking that I was dying, started avoiding going out, had no patience with my daughters. I can’t say that I’m out of it, not at all. I’ve been struggling a lot. Even the decision to start the medication was a very difficult one for me, since I started this irrational fear for medications, any type, even tylenol. So, you can all imagine how difficult it was for me when I started having all this side effects, hot flashes, cold, nervousness, suicidal thoughts. I thought I was going crazy. This is my fifth day on it and its the first day that I’ve felt no side effects at all. Only drowzyness . So I’m hopeful and everytime I hear stories like yours, that only increases my confidence. Thanks a lot
You have hypothyroid, anorexia, depression, and anxiety? Girl, you have mercury poisoning! Do you have silver dental fillings?
You ought to check out the research done by Andrew Hall Cutler, PhD, Boyd Haley, PhD, or Christopher Shade, PhD.
DAMS international also has tons of peer-reviewed articles on dental amalgam-induced mercury toxicity. I suffered from this for eight years.