Between the Kardash klan’s original four siblings, the Jenner girls, Kourtney’s fashionable little buttons and Kim’s early arrival, there’s an impressive amount of Kardashian DNA floating around the celebrity stratosphere. Thanks to stirrup-mounted reality cams and naptime selfies, the average gossip magazine/bad TV viewer (AKA me) knows a little too much about the various Kardashian birth plans. But it hasn’t been all $800 Gucci maternity tanks and diamond-encrusted pacis. Some worthwhile lessons I’ve learned along the way:
The seemingly calmest of the Kardashian sisters has basically delivered herself twice now. That is to say, once Kourtney is crowning, she pulls her babies out of her own vagina. Perhaps you didn’t hear me: She pulls her babies out of her own vagina! Thanks to an epidural, there is no animalistic screaming, no thrashing or grabbing her partner by the collar and grunting, “Look what you did to me!” either. She just reaches down when the doctor gives her the signal and helps welcome her new baby into the world. (The last time I bent over to retrieve something important from the lower half of my bed, it was a half-eaten banana our daughter had hidden there hours earlier!)
I remember watching Kourtney execute this maneuver when Mason was born and being both intrigued and enthralled by it. How maternal. How primal. How utterly hospitable. I wanted to pull my baby out of my vagina. As it turns out, I wound up having the most medicalized birth possible – a C-section due to baby turning breech – so this sort of Earth Mother delivery wasn’t possible for me. But should we attempt a VBAC with the future #2, I will be requesting Kourtney as my celebrity doula. And yes, that is a new hit reality show you smell.
I’m not going to tease Kim for her questionable baby-naming motives because this new mom was forced to endure enough taunting throughout her pregnancy. She came under unfair criticism for her weight and clothing choices, with the public seemingly unable to differentiate between a woman who is with child and being “fat.” Just as Kim was being mercilessly ridiculed for gaining too much weight, Kate Middleton has come under fire for not gaining enough. You can never win.
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