Does this bikini wax make me look fat?

According to Allure Magazine, a small triangle of pubic hair is the new black.

“The landing strip can accentuate a tummy bulge,” sagely warns Renée Zellweger one prominent Los Angeles waxer in the May 2011 Allure Hair Removal Guide. “If you’re over 35 or aren’t built like a model, this may not be the best look for you.”

A few things:

1.      This makes last month’s appointment for a “Dirty Martini” at Trim Bikini Waxing Salon in Chicago seem eerily prescient.

2.      Clearly, this LA aesthetician hasn’t caught wind of the bikini waxing trend currently sweeping the Midwest: The Barnyard. That’s right – a growing number of salons are offering hair removal in intricately-shaped patterns such as The Fat Pig and Don’t Have a Cow. The designs work via reverse psychology and trick the lucky viewer into the thinking the wearer is actually slim like a gazelle.

3.      May I just express how immensely grateful I am to have read this mere days before my 35th birthday?  To think I could have unknowingly celebrated my special day with heifer-like hips and a chubby-looking mons…I shudder at the thought.

Against my better judgment, I Googled “fat bikini wax” to see if there was any truth to Allure’s claim. Hidden among the extraordinarily NSFW images that popped up and are forever seared into my hippocampus, I found The Fat Girl’s Guide to Spa Services, intent on “dispelling the notion that fat girls can’t get their business waxed.” Plus-sized aesthetician Daniela did note that overweight clients are at higher risk of ingrown hairs or chafing, and should “expect to be an active participant in your hair removal – holding skin tight, lifting a hanging stomach, pulling your thigh aside, etc.”

Practical advice, sure, but I couldn’t find anything about bikini waxes and body image. How can we desperate ladies pluck, shave, laser or otherwise depilate our nether regions into the appearance of thinness?! We’re a nation of waxarexics, are we not? So I started thinking about the other kinds of hair we all sprout and how THAT could be used to make us appear slim and trim. Some ideas:

Does this hairstyle make me look fat? Body conscious experts suggest women with round faces opt for long layers or gentle waves which draw your eye away from rotund cheeks. Avoid chin-length cuts as you would Hostess Ding Dongs.

Do these eyebrows make me look fat? Chubby faces cry out for vertical lines to make them appear more oval in shape. Opt for a highly arched brow – so long as it’s not so pointy that it makes people look at your hair, which likely has bits of Special K Protein Bar stuck in it from last night’s feeding frenzy.

Does this leg hair make me look fat? Similar in theory to how a tan makes you appear skinnier, forgo shaving for a week – just enough time to allow a light, Size 4 dusting of dark hair to grow in.

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44 Responses to Does this bikini wax make me look fat?

  1. charlotte says:

    A chubby mons… oh land. That’s like all those pregnancy books that recommend getting a full wax before you go into labor. Seriously?! If the doctor can’t find the baby because of some hair then he went to the wrong med school.

  2. You HAVE to read my friend’s post about this: MrsFatass and Hello Kitty Part Two because there are many other educational links. I swear. Also, search “wax” on her blog for laughs. I have not yet dared…

  3. Lora B. says:

    Oh MY GAWD, that’s all I can say. Wow. Because that’s totally what a guy is thinking when he first see’s a vagina is, “she should not get a wax like that, it is verrrry unflattering” Ummm, yeah.

  4. bdaiss says:

    This is just… *sigh* where do these people come up with such ridiculousness? And who really believes it?!?!

  5. EXACTLY, Lora! And, BTW, who cares what the guy thinks?!?!?

  6. Oh my gosh, this is so pathetic! Can women be made to feel any worse than they already do? We’re expected to wax and be perfect all over, but when’s the last time you say a guy who spent nearly so much time thinking about his pubic hair??? Now we also have to worry that it makes us look fat?

  7. Leslie says:

    Yes, Jen – YOU MUST ALWAYS WORRY!!! Never be off your A-game, not even for a microsecond. Or else you might wind up looking *FAT*

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