When I was five years old, I dressed up as a Blue Crayon for Halloween. At 13, I was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Freshman year of college, when I spaced on buying a costume until the last minute, I resorted to being a peach.
That’s when the innocence ended.
Prior to that, Halloween has been about funny, innocent costumes and trick or treating until my bag of candy was too heavy to lug around. But sometime around age 19, the holiday became an excuse to dress in as little clothing as possible, and the only candy I would allow myself to eat were fat-free gummy candies. By age 22, living in Chicago, I was a Sexy Star Trekkie (super short Star Trek-esque minidress; knee high vinyl boots; Spock eyebrows; pointy ears). At 23, Britney Spears was in her heyday, and I went as her Superbowl persona, complete with a midriff-baring top, skintight silver lame leggings striped to look like football pants, microphone and an athletic sock on my hand…plus lots of enhanced cleavage. I was 24, and, like most unconfident women my age, I thought “Halloween” was an ancient Sanskrit word that loosely translated to “Time to try to get as many men to look at your body in the hopes that it makes you feel beautiful.”
Now, I’m over it. I (somewhat mockingly, I admit) laugh at the ridiculous “sexy” get-ups I see marketed in the weeks leading up to Halloween (Sexy Ghostbuster! Sexy Barista! Sexy Pirate!) or at the young women parading themselves down the street. At this stage in my life, I’m more focused on generating a cute costume idea for my daughter and instilling in her the self-esteem and values she’ll need so she doesn’t feel the need to strip naked, don a bikini made of stamped envelopes and go as “Sexy U.S Postal Carrier” for Halloween 2033.
I just came across a blog about a company that, this year, is selling a Sexy Hamburger costume. The get-ups comes in two variations – one for men, one for women.
Here’s what the male version looks like:
And here’s the female version:
The guy looks like he could be standing on the side of the road, begging potential customers to pull over and order a Big Mac at the local McDonalds where he works. The women, on the other hand, looks like she should be standing on the side of the road, luring potential customers of a different ilk.
(Somewhat inexplicably, this company also markets a Sexy Corn costume. I actually love fresh corn on the cob, but have been scared away from it by all the GMO hullabaloo, so for me, all corn really has to do to be sexy for me is be grown in an organic farmer’s backyard, raised a pesticide virgin with all it’s original DNA. That would make my mouth water.*)
I know what you’re thinking:
Where can I get a sesame seed tube top? “Lighten up! Get a sense of humor!” Perhaps you’re right – why can’t a girl walk around in a Sexy Accountant costume for a night of escapism? Well, she can. I just wish she didn’t have to feel like she has to wear three strategically placed calculators in order to feel beautiful.
Anyway, I think it’s powerful to view photos of the male and female versions of Halloween costumes side by side, much in the way it’s especially impactful to see airbrushed versions of celebrities alongside their original images. Take a look:
*In the same vein, other sexy food costumers I’d love to see include Sexy Wild Salmon, Sexy Organic Milk + DHA, Sexy Organic Spinach and Sexy BPA-free Canned Black Beans.