Yo Mama: TIME Cover Edition

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Leslie Goldman

As someone who spends approximately 38% of the day with her boob in someone’s mouth, I took particular interest in the recent TIME magazine kerfuffle over attachment parenting. “Three years is too old for a child to still be nursing!” screams one camp. “Nursing on demand, even until toddlerhood, makes kids feel safe and secure!” cries another. “Mmmph grmnish mnnph,” snorts the third.

Not since the advent of Rush Limbaugh has a single boob created such a melee.

When it comes to the best age to wean, nobody is “right,” just like no one is right when it comes to other highly charged boobie-centric debates, such as whether women should get implants, whether moms should be able to breastfeed uncovered in public, or whether that African infant who got to nurse off of Salma Hayek in 2009 is, in fact, the world’s luckiest person.

Here’s the thing: I have absolutely zero problem with a woman breastfeeding her child until he or she is old enough to safely ride a roller coaster. I myself hope to continue nursing for at least a year – a goal that my little lady’s (very early) first tooth has forced me to reevaluate. Breastfeeding is a wondrous, natural phenomenon; who I am to say when a mom should wean her own child? That said, the issue is ripe for parody*, so allow me to present:

Yo Mama: TIME Magazine Cover Edition

Yo Mama has been nursing for so long, she uses a tablecloth as a Hooter Hider.

Yo Mama has been nursing for so long, La Leche League issued a cease and desist order.

Yo Mama has been nursing for so long, she visits the nail salon once a month for callus removal and a soothing paraffin wax dip.

Yo Mama is so addicted to breastfeeding, she’s gonna need a lactose patch and gum to quit.

Yo Mama has been nursing for so long, her boob tattoo is an expiration date.

Yo Mama has been nursing for so long, she reads What To Expect When You’re Expecting for porn.

Yo Mama is such a prolific nurser, Oreo offered to be her corporate sponsor.

Yo Mama has been nursing for so long, her milk ducts have their own Facebook page. (Sample Status Update: Mommy’s milk ducts are…getting psyched to see The Avengers this weekend!”)

Wanna read more of my boobtastic writing? Check out my blog on nursing hunger or the one about how my breast pump talks to me.

*Please, no angry comments! This is all tongue-in-cheek; I am uber pro-breastfeeding! In fact, I’m pumping as I blog!

Posted in Diet and Nutrition, Health | Tagged , , , , | 13 Comments

Should you be G-free?

Posted on May 9, 2012 by Leslie Goldman

Just say no?

What do celebs like Zooey Deschanel, Emmy Rossum, Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Chelsea Clinton have in common? They all follow gluten-free diets, thanks to severe wheat allergies that, if left untreated, can result in bloating, diarrhea, fatigue, malnourishment and even infertility and osteoporosis.

“Going g-free” has been trendy for a few years now, with proponents claiming that ditching wheat can melt away pounds, elevate sports performance and evaporate mental fogginess. The industry has exploded, mushrooming 27 percent since 2009 and surpassing $6 billion in sales in 2011, according to Mintel research. “Gluten-free is the new low-carb,” says Wendy Bazilian, DrPH, RD, author of The SuperFoodsRx Diet (Rodale) and a nutrition advisor at Golden Door Fitness Resort and Spa in San Marcos, Calif. But unless you are one of the 1 percent of Americans who truly suffer from actual Celiac disease, an autoimmune disorder where the body attacks itself in the presence of gluten – a protein component found in wheat, rye and barley – or the 5 to 8 percent who are gluten-intolerant, eradicating gluten from your diet will not help you lose weight or boost energy. In fact, “many gluten-free products are packed with sugar and fat,” Bazilian warns.

Read more, and grab some tasty gluten-free recipes, in my story on FitnessMagazine.com

Posted in Diet and Nutrition, Fitness | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

My Grandpa says I’m prettier than Beyoncé

Posted on May 4, 2012 by Leslie Goldman

My fingers brushed against Beyoncé's forearm during this shoot and her skin was literally the softest, silkiest thing I've ever felt. Three seconds later, I was tackled by her security team and carted away.

People Magazine recently announced that Beyoncé Knowles is the most beautiful woman in the world. The 30-year-old beauty icon showed off her gorgeous visage and stunning figure in a multi-page spread, where she dished on everything from life as a music mogul to her new daughter, Blue Ivy.

But here’s the thing: I am actually more beautiful than Beyoncé. I know this because my Grandpa Morty told me so.

A few years ago, I appeared on the Today Show along side Beyoncé’s mom, Tina, who was promoting her new Walmart clothing line, designed to fit women size 0 to 20. My role was to comment on the body image aspect of shopping, and explain how women of all shapes and sizes need and deserve cute clothing that makes them feel good. During the fashion show portion of our segment, Beyoncé walked out, surprising everyone on set. (The excitement starts at around 3 minutes 50 seconds.) At this point, I was essentially shuttled off to a dark corner of the set and asked to sit quietly, facing the wall, until the shoot was over.

After the show, I was on the phone with my friend Diane, who screamed, “OMG Beyoncé touched your elbow!” Indeed, at 6:49, the ethereal megastar reaches out to caress my right arm in consolation as Kathie Lee apologizes for forgetting I still existed. Ever since, my claim to fame has been that “Beyoncé once touched my elbow!” I’ve been known to shout this catchphrase out while ordering my morning Americano at Starbucks, when a homeless person asks me for spare change, or during sex.

Once the segment aired back home in Chicago, my grandfather called to congratulate me and, as he and my grandma typically do after any Today Show shoot, complain that I wasn’t given enough air time. I explained that Beyoncé was essentially the most famous woman on the planet and we couldn’t blame Hoda and KL for focusing on her. I also told him Beyoncé was considered one of the world’s most beautiful ladies…to which he responded, “Really? Even with all that hair?”

Yes, I assured him, even with all that hair. “Nah,” he said with total and complete certainty. “You’re prettier.”

This isn’t the first time Morty has taken issue with People’s selection: In the late 80s, he photocopied a photo of my grandmother’s face and taped it on the newest “Most Beautiful” cover. That magazine still resides in a rack in their upstairs bathroom and I always look at it when I’m pooping, and I smile.

So there you have it: I, Leslie Goldman, and my grandma, Regina Schur, are officially prettier than the Most Beautiful Woman in the World. We’ll be signing autographs at Am Shalom Synagogue in Glencoe later tonight.

 

Posted in Body Image | Tagged , , , , , , | 7 Comments

My breast pump talks to me

Posted on May 1, 2012 by Leslie Goldman

The other day, I was interviewing a fairly prominent women’s physical therapist for a story on back pain. Being the multitasking new mom that I am, I decided to pump while we spoke, so I strapped on the sexy white cotton hands-free pumping bandeau I received as a baby shower present – you know, the one with the silver dollar-sized holes cut out over the nipples – simultaneously powered on my pump and my Mac, and got to work.

About five minutes into the interview, there was a lull in the conversation as I transcribed her quote about the proper way to load the dishwasher. And that’s when she softly chuckled and said, “I can hear you pumping.”

It takes a lot to embarrass me. I have written first person accounts of getting colonics and Brazilian bikini waxes, detailed my sex life for national women’s magazines and so meticulously described the color and shape of my nipples in Locker Room Diaries that my father and grandfather can only look at my shoes when greeting me. But getting caught milking my boobs during an interview? Color me mortified.

My profuse apologies were brushed aside. “I think it’s great that you’re multitasking,” she assured me. But silently, I cursed my Medela Pump In Style and vowed to muzzle it during all future work events.

It was the trademark “whump-whump” noise that gave me away. Along with the ripping Velcro sound of my My Brest Friend nursing pillow and the truck driver burps that somehow emerge from Evie’s tiny belly, no other sound reminds me of new motherhood so much as that damn whump-whump, whump-whump. Sometimes, at three o’clock in the morning, as I page through Facebook with one hand and clamp two plastic bottle to my boobies with the other, I swear my Medela is talking to me. At times, it sounds like she’s chanting, “Uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh.” Other times, she mutters, “Let it go, let it go, let it go.” Considering how mouthy she can be, I’m considering opening a Twitter account for her.

Essentially, my breast pump is the Peter Frampton of mammary suction.

Continue reading →

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I am a walking disaster zone

Posted on March 26, 2012 by Leslie Goldman

My tank top is disgusting.

Seriously, we may need to call a HAZMAT team in to peel this thing off of me and cart it off to an incinerator. As we speak, my upper body is cloaked in a piece of clothing waterlogged with no less than three bodily fluids, as well as a splatter-painting of raw chicken juice.  God forbid someone shines a blacklight on me, or I’ll glow like a Motel 6 bedspread.

This morning, Eve peed out the side of her diaper while nursing (as she tends to do on days that end in “-day”), causing a hot ink blot of urine to spread across my torso. I meant to change my top – really, I did. But between Tummy Time, nap time, and a 10-minute mommy-daughter dance sting to Culture Club, Lauryn Hill and Britney Spears, I just sort of forgot to change out of my pee-soaked nursing tank.

Then the sun came out and I saw my chance to throw the babe into the stroller and dash over to CostCo. On my way out the door, I noticed a few breast milk stains dotting my top. Here’s a transcript of my inner dialogue:

Me: “Do I really want to go out in public with breast milk splotches on my top?”

Me: “The old Leslie would never do such a thing. The old Leslie liked looking good and wearing cute clothes and showering on a daily basis.”

Me: “Nobody at CostCo cares if your tank top looks like it’s lactating. They’re too busy lining up for samples of all-beef franks and gummi vitamins.”

Me: “You have approximately 74 minutes before Eve wakes up and you need to eat something besides Nestle cookie dough and all the M&Ms and salty raisins from the bag of trail mix. Go to CostCo.”

And so I went. I’m actually sort of stunned that Stacy London and Clinton Kelly didn’t ambush me in the dairy section. If my milk stains were used as a Rorschach test, study participants would surely call out words like “resignation,” “fatigue” and “defeat.” Continue reading →

Posted in Health | Tagged , , , | 11 Comments